Hey, you. It’s been awhile since we’ve talked last. School was…really tough. I thought about quitting daily, and to be honest, I’m still trying to decide if I’ll come back in the fall. My mental health has been at its lowest point in months. Some days I don’t feel like getting out of bed, and some days, I don’t. I have good days. Sometimes I see the sunrise on the way to summer school and I’m reminded of new beginnings. Sometimes I call my brother and remember that we are both part of something bigger.

One of the most challenging parts of this spring has been dealing with change. I think my best friend and I are officially no longer friends, which was a weird transition to go through and handle. She moved away about a year ago without telling me and I tried to reconnect, but I think we just aren’t going to be what we once were. I don’t know if you’ve ever lost a friendship, but it’s definitely been a grieving process. We went from seeing each other daily and texting all the time, to not speaking for weeks or months at a time. I’m also not a mom or married, so I sometimes feel like a burden to my mom/wife friends. I’m still not sure how to process through that emotion. Part of me also feels a little burned, so know that if we are friends, I see you, I appreciate you, but I’m still working on that part of me.

I also struggled with the societal pressure of being a woman in her *eek* late 20s. So often, I feel caught between the life I could have had if I had made one decision when I was 17 and the current life I have now. What would my life look like now if I had kept the engagement ring when I was a senior in high school? Would I, like many of my friends on social media, be pregnant? Would I be living in Colorado in a cabin in the woods? Would I be happier? I am so afraid of being single at 30. No matter how many times I scroll past that inspirational post on Instagram about loving yourself first or spending too much money on self-care Saturdays, I am still terrified of being…unlovable.

It seemed like these feelings came upon me all at once about mid-March. I remember canceling on a lot of people over Spring Break. When I needed people the most, why did my brain tell me to hide away? I became negative at work, and spent a lot of days crying during my lunch break. I slept a lot. The lights in my house were never on.

But tonight, I’m feeling some sun start to break through the darkness. I think by being honest with myself and you, it’s helped. I won’t get out of this all at once, but it’ll be one step at a time. It’ll take work from me to understand where and when that next step should be. I’ll have to be careful of rock slides, but not afraid of them. Know that I’m working on it.

Until next time,
M.

Currently listening to: “Outta My Head” by Khalid feat. John Mayer

5 things you can see

You
Me
Plans
Scratch that...ex plans
Dust

4 things you can touch

My hands
The scar on my right leg
Not you
My hands

3 things you can hear

The voicemail you left at 1 am
The song we both loved
"Hi there I'm..."

2 things you can smell

Coffee
More coffee

1 thing you can taste

Newness

Whenever I like a guy, it doesn’t take me long before I’m asking him what his

~love language~ 

is like I’m 15 years old in Health class learning about

 ~relationships~.

For me, it’s all about positive affirmations. I enjoy hearing how proud someone is of me, or what they thought was cool that I just did, or hell, even that I’m

~beautiful~.

So here are my favorite affirmations in case you haven’t had one in awhile. Send them along to the people you love.

• I am brave enough to climb every mountain.
• I am uniquely me, a person of great value.
• I am enough.
• I have the right to choose how I want to feel in every situation.
• I believe in the person I am becoming.

If you aren’t living under a rock, you’ve heard the new Cardi B and Bruno Mars song “Please Me.” In it, Cardi mentions that her “pussy is horchata” and if you’re like me, you don’t even know what the fuck horchata is.

Upon further Googling, horchata appears to be a milky Mexican drink, thus meaning that her pussy is milky, which is understandable, given the other references in the song.

Makes you wonder what lyrics your song would have. Would someone else have to Google it to find out your inner meanings? Would you be straight-forward in your thoughts? Would that scare you?

Mine:
You are not weak for needing to sort through this.
I’m working on finding peace where I am now.
I no longer think about our last kiss.
Watch me take the final bow.

Find your horchata. Find your feelings. Live them. Breathe them.

For a long time, I didn’t consider myself to be anything special. I’d grown up in a small town with one stop light. I was never invited to parties. I had a bottle of Fireball hidden in my bedroom closet at my parents’ house until I moved out at 23. I was normal.

That is, until I wasn’t. Normal girls are happy and healthy. Normal girls are engaged by 24. Married by 26. Normal girls attend church every Sunday with their plaid shirt wearing partner. That’s the normal I was raised to achieve. I’m currently sitting at a mild 26 and a half years old, approximately 20 Tinder dates and an abuse situation in, and I don’t know what my normal is supposed to be anymore.

And instead of knowing the who, what, when, where, and why of my life, I now know what it feels like to be led on and misguided. Judged and taken advantage of. No woman dreams of that becoming her reality. I often tell my friends how “ready” I am to be in something serious or how I can’t wait to be married. How do I get there with this current normal?

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton